The Worst of Urban Outfitters

 

 

I did some online shopping today because that’s how I put off real work and channel my pent up, retail-based ~lady energy~. One website I sometimes end up browsing is the ridiculous — but alluring — Urban Outfitters.  I realize I’m breaking the unspoken rule of the cool and hip by admitting that I sometimes buy their clothing.  A pair of their purposefully-fucked-up jean shorts can run you about $700, but sometimes you can find a great pair of regular looking jeans for a normal price.  It’s a proverbial easter egg hunt for the thing you like that happens to be on sale and doesn’t have a bunch of holes cut into it. You know what I mean, because there really are only three categories of women:

1) those who have at least one thing from an Urban Outfitters

2) Amish

3) liars

While half of UO items are well designed and sometimes also affordable (“oh hey! a nice floral dress!”), the other half are absolute ludicrous garbage: jean maxi skirts; those beaded headbands that girls wear across their foreheads so you know not to talk to them; vests covered in fur, etc. etc. When I scroll down the page of the most expensive products I think “oh wow seriously” “damn” and, “wow haha ha ha”.  So let’s take a look at a few of the worst articles I came across in only 20 minutes today:

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Originally $89 UNITED STATES DOLLARS, this very alluring dress made of thick…old fisherman?… sweater…. obviously went over very well with the general public. When I’m having a fat day (which is every day) the first thing I want to do is shove a huge cable knit sweater over my lumpy torso to accentuate the fine ass curves.  Who can resist the feel of gnarly, itchy wool against their bare body? 😉

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This. You know, people can wear whatever they want, but this outfit ALWAYS makes EVERYONE look like that monster from Pan’s Labyrinth with the saggy skin who held his eyes in his hands. This sort of atrocity isn’t exclusively a crime committed by the UO style team, so I can’t hold it against them.  But still, huegh.

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Yeah. Nobody that buys this jacket has done acid, I guarantee you that much.

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Which brings me to the next exhibit. I don’t get it. Coconut boobs. Yes, okay. JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

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I AM WEARING A ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY DOLLAR GARBAGE BAG I AM A SACK OF EXPENSIVE GARBAGE I AM A TRASH SACK HAHA HA LOOK AT ME NOW MOM

 

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If you see someone wearing all of this at once, you win white people bingo. “The chill festival look” that includes the chill $90 ripped up  tank top and giant hat is pretty in right now.  Also, I’m not here to be politically correct so I won’t go into the backward notion of mass-producing Native American style headdresses for people to buy and wear to festivals but yes I will COME ON YOU GUYS, COME ON.   Someone had to pitch the idea for the headdress and the fur vest, and a team somewhere okayed that and sent it to production and hopefully an asteroid will come for us all very, very soon.

 

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Yes, these are totally worth $150!!!! I always wake up and think to myself, “wouldn’t it be cool if I looked more like I came straight off a haunted hay ride?” Also, I hate it when you can tell that I have legs or a body.

 

And last but not least, these things!

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Holy shit, I’m actually scared of these. I thought the gladiator thing was last season but I know as much about fashion seasons as I do about how to file my taxes without screwing up!!

Which reminds me, better go make sure I have my auditing date scheduled with the IRS ❤ !

xoxox

Tess

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Monday Internet Mischief

Greetings, everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve done anything on here because I have been “busy”, but I also have no marketable skills, am “not” “good”, and have been “lacking the drive” to do anything “except cry” when I have time off.  I’ve been applying to jobs that I don’t get, going to work so people can complain about cheese at me while I space out, going to bed, and then waking up so I can stare at my wall for a couple of hours before I do it all over again. Just kidding mom, I’m fine and college was worth it.  The postgrad life is cool and fun, and being a ~millennial~ is totally like a Thought Catalog list. But I digress. So first off, sorry about the lack of new sick content.

I want to do more on here from now on and I promise I will. I PROMISE. Invest in me! From now on, get ready for the hugely budgeted Monday Internet Mischief post – among others! HeRe wE Go!


 

So it’s fun to use Facebook and Twitter in pretty much every way they aren’t intended to be used.  One of my favorite outlets for my nonstop weird and invasive thoughts is being a complete fool on the internet. And in real life, but that’s another story.

 

Businesses’ public pages gladly accept feedback regarding your meal experience, whether the feedback makes any sense or not.

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“It won’t let me turn the computer off”

I love to sift through these for a good laugh and a single tear.  I also like to share my “thoughts” with businesses.

 

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In light of the Mazda “cars full of spiders” scandal ^^^ (more info) this week I decided to lodge complaints about spiders.  So, here they are:

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Thank you Arby’s team

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Wendys +1 for playing ball with their own spider joke.

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YEP.

 

Well, that’s all the asinine crap I have for you today. I hope everyone has a wonderful week, so until next time, watch out for spiders

Terrible Things You Can Buy On Etsy

I’ve purchased maybe 2 or 3 items from Etsy.com —  a scarf for my mom, or a shirt with aliens on it for my dad.  The website itself is a mecca for kitschy handmade items, and also a perfectly reliable tool for artists to vend their pieces.  But lurking just beneath the pages of hair accessories and dog costumes and owl trinkets is the black hole of Etsy — no man’s land.

There are bejeweled “shamanic wands”, bongs, and hundreds of dreamcatchers.  There are vials of fairy blood that you can wear on a chain around your neck.  There’s an entire store that sells knitted penis covers for Chapstick, and another that has Richard Ramirez necklaces. 

So now, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the highlights of my journey through the online craft world.  The following are real items for sale by real internet vendors that will lead you on a gondola ride through the swamps of Etsy hell.  Let’s begin.

1. Magical spells

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Yes, this. You can purchase a magical spell from this guy with a mustache, and he will either perform the spell for you or send it to you in the convenient format of .doc or .pdf for an on-demand session of witchcraft.  This fellow mentions that he is “an Ordained 3rd degree Wiccan High Priest” and his credentials include “membership in the Hermetic order of the Golden Dawn and several other hidden orders.”  Sign me up.

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But wait, there’s more! This voodoo priest will cast a spell on your penis for $9.87, which is totally reasonable, as the “light ceremony” he promises to perform in the description seems involved.  And the reviews are encouraging.  An all-caps testimony with the subject title “NOT FAKE” claims that “IT IS WORKING BETTER ALREADY–MY PENIS”

2.  A Baby Fedora

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I knew this was bound to be happening.  If people wear fedoras, and they’ve made their pets wear fedoras, then people must be making fedoras for their babies.  I guess these are for gentleman babies who always finish last but know a whole lot about history and medieval weaponry.  The kid in the picture seems to know this is a bad situation.

3. A “Lord of the Bongs” Poster

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Described as “a custom designed print of Gandalf ripping the bong.”  Yeah, okay. Who wouldn’t want this on their wall?  I’ve seen plain Lord of the Rings art and thought, “please get that travesty out of my face, I don’t want to see another piece unless the characters pictured are ~bLaZiN iT~”

4. A “SataNic Cage” Tank Top

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occult, satan, grunge.

Shit, I would buy this. I can’t make fun of this.

I’m buying this.

 

5. “boob pillow”

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At first glance I wasn’t exactly sure what this was.  The seller says it’s “perfect for servicemen or anyone who enjoys breasts.” Yes, of course! My first thought was that every man in the army needs this weird looking knitted boob. Nothing replicates the real feel of a woman like this thing.  The seller “can also make it in a range of skin tones.”  Let’s hear it for our boys in uniform.

6. A Terrifying Michael Jackson Mask

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Are you tired of sleeping soundly at night? Short on nightmares? Look no further! This artist creates creepy masks and posts photos of the final pieces in his house full of trinkets.  For some reason it’s mostly devils and mythical horned beasts that he chooses to create, but also Michael Jackson.  Awesome.

6. All of This Poorly Executed Celebrity Artwork

Celebrity tribute artwork is by far the most entertaining path to go down in the dark forest that is Etsy.

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“Shirtless Justin Bieber Tinkerbell,” the official mascot of jail.

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The King of Pop appears again, this time in full acrylic glory.

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Prince William doesn’t seem to have arms or separate legs, rather a single mermaid type tail.  And I guess his face is made of wax now.

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“Marilyn Merlot” PART OF DIVINE VINE DIVA SERIES

ONLY

ONE THOUSAND 

US DOLLARS

WAIT

I’m done.